Brain Damage

This is a hard one. The brain damage is the thing that has changed my life the most, and in so many different ways. Far too much content for one post. I've actually been working on this one for over a week now, it's a hard one to structure.

Please keep in mind that I'm not a doctor, and I was on a whole lot of medication. So if any of the technical science stuff is wrong, I'm sorry. This is all pretty much just from my very foggy memory.

During the accident I hit my head off the wheel, as the air bag hadn't gone off. The roof off the car had also folded in on top of me (we think this is what caused the broken back and neck). All the bashing around and the impact of my head on the wheel fractured my skull, causing the brain damage.The doctors explained to me that the inside of the skull isn't smooth, it's jagged and rough. So when your head gets bashed around, the inside of the skull causes lesions to the brain.

The impact was mainly on my front left side, which is unfortunately where the frontal lobe is. The frontal lobe is the 'control panel' of the brain. It controls cognitive skills, memory, emotions, language and probably a whole lot more. Basically, it's pretty important.

Whilst in hospital I can't really remember the brain damage showing too many symptoms. Although that's likely because I pretty knocked up and out of it for most of my stay there, so it may have been hard to tell what was a side effect of a drug and what was brain damage.When I went home and slowly began to take less medication the symptoms started to show.

Speech was maybe the first one that we noticed. I found it really hard to find the words I needed. I'm sure many people know exactly that this is like, to have it in your head but not being able to articulate it. Things being on the tip of your tongue but unable to make it any further. Only difference is, this happened to me pretty much every time I tried to talk. It was worse if I was tired or if I was nervous. I saw a speech therapist for a bit, but in all honesty she didn't really help. With time I got better, but it is still something that happens regularly.  People are usually very understanding and either help me find the words or they just fill in the blanks.

The biggest change from the brain damage is the fatigue I now experience. Many people suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It's a long term condition that can limit the quality of life for the people that suffer from it. For those of you who don't what it is, the easiest way to describe it is debilitating exhaustion. There is no cure, and not a lot can ease it. To begin with I could barely walk from room to room. Gradually over time, it has improved. Whilst the fatigue itself hasn't changed, I can do a lot more before it hits. When it sets in my eyes glaze over, the issues with speech become a lot worse, I can't concentrate on conversation and physical activity becomes very limited. The only way to gain some relief from this is to sleep. This interferes with my days a lot, always having to factor in a nap is difficult. It's especially difficult for other people to understand. People often don't understand the difference between fatigue and laziness. It has caused a lot of friction in my relationships with friends and family.

There are also a lot of smaller issues. I have trouble with my executive functioning skills. These include problem solving, planning and multitasking (just to name a few). For example: I struggle deciding what to wear, I can't have a conversation and make dinner at the same time and I get anxious when people change plans.

I was told quite plainly that two years would be the cut off for improvement. Whatever symptoms I still have after two years I would likely have for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, my two year 'anniversary' is next month. Whilst I have improved immensely, it's becoming very hard for me to accept that the fatigue will not improve. I can live with the changes in my speech and my executive
functioning skills, they're easy to laugh those off. However, accepting the fact that I'm likely going to be perpetually tired for the rest of life is a little harder. 

There's still a lot for me to address here, the brain damage is what I struggle most with. Specifically, how it has changed my identity somewhat. I'm trying to do these posts chronologically; writing about the problems I had in the order in which I noticed them. So at some point there will be another on the more personal issues that go hand in hand with the brain damage.