First Outing with the Halo

Today on Facebook this photo came up from two years ago of my first outing with the halo on. I'd already drafted this post, but I thought today would be a good day to publish it.

So, I'm wearing a HUGE metal cage around my head that's bolted to my skull. I have a thick plastic body suit on that I can't take off, on top of that is a mens XXL T-shirt with the neck cut out.
I've definitely looked better.

After the accident I couldn't wash my hair (at least not well), I couldn't shower/bath properly and my skin was too bad to wear any makeup. So without my usual tricks to make myself pretty and with the metal hardware my self-confidence was at an all time low. It's very hard to be incognito with the halo on, there's no way to hide that.

I was terribly anxious being out in public. To begin with the only place I ever had to go was to my doctors, but I couldn't even sit in the waiting room. My doctor was very understanding and would actually have my appointments in the car with me, so I could avoid a panic attack. On top of the anxiety of going outside the house I also had quite bad PTSD, so I struggled getting in cars. I could do very short distances with a driver that I trusted but anything more was a real battle for me. So between not wanting to go out in public and not being comfortable getting in a car, I was pretty much confined to the house.

Fortunately, some of friends were absolute angels and would come and visit me. I hadn't been out the hospital long before one friend travelled up to see me. She tried her very best to make me feel comfortable with myself; she helped me get dressed, brushed my hair and helped me with my makeup. She was determined to get me out the house and back to some form of normality. So we went for lunch. This is the first time I'd been anywhere other than the hospital or the doctors. I can remember being awfully anxious and frightened about going to a restaurant, but I was desperate to do something normal again. I knew I needed the push, and I think it's important that people aren't scared to be a little firm with you. Being mollycoddled and pitied would not have helped me.

The place we went to was thankfully very quiet and the waiter was very kind. It was the first time since the accident that I had done something that reminded me of life before the accident.

From then on it got a little easier. I went out for a busy pub meal with my family and when other friends came to visit me I would happily go out for walks and coffee with them.
I struggled (and still sometimes do) with busy places, like supermarkets or busy shops. We would try and plan outings for times that we knew would be quieter and less trying for me.

I think it's important to still get out and try to reclaim some of pre-crash life. However, know your limits. If you struggle with crowds and noise there's no harm in avoiding them. It's still a huge accomplishment to put yourself out in the world when you're at a point in you life when your self-esteem might be in pieces. 

I've had a lot of messages lately from people with halos on who are struggling with self-confidence. It's a battle, I know this. The best thing I did was just getting out there again. Ignore those insecurities and surround yourself with people who remind you that you're still as fabulous as you were before.

Jesse x